


Yubikiri Genman, Uso Tsuitara

by knail



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers Character Study, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Post-Break Up, Pregnancy, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knail/pseuds/knail
Summary: There, on the screen, are only five little words that make her feel nauseous and weak in the knees at the same time.*I will always remember you.*And it's not even the worst. The worst are the words that are still saved in the unsent draft below Maggie's message.*I hope you think of me.*_________________________In which Alex does not sleep with Sara Lace straight after the breakup but she kills the emotional pain with the additional work until she reexperiences the torments from the past.She tries to escape from it by embarking on a self-journey, and she finds herself missing Maggie.This is how it starts.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 14
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

“I need to take a day off.”

  
Her soft voice breaks the silence of the small office, reaching past J’onn’s grimeful expression. The chief looks at her in surprise, and Alex shuffles her feet, taking a deep breath and stepping further.

“I would like to make a request for an annual leave.”

  
It’s been 48 hours filled with terror, something that wouldn’t be at all surprising in Alex’s work routine if not for one simple device which was used to stir it this time.  
So, she is as determined as she can be.

  
The jacket on her shoulders is still damp from the water, its material stiff and unpleasantly cold under the surface of her hands. She still hasn’t looked J'oon in the eyes, and she focuses on every other part of the room in order not to have to see the sort of glance which she has already received from Kara – the one filled with such insufferable compassion that it made her shiver and it made her feel sorry for herself, which is literally the last thing Alex wants.

  
“Ok,” he says swiftly and makes a little step in her direction. She didn’t expect anything else than his approval, after all, it’s the first time in… so long that she cannot even remember it, when she is taking days off. “Are you sure you are okay, Alex?”

  
She assures him with a small nod, a gesture meaning to make him a bit calmer even if it does not have this effect on her. J’onn continues looking at her with such consternation that she starts to stutter.

  
“Yes, but…” she drags her voice panicky as the words which she does not intend to use almost slip out of her tongue. She decisively glances at the wall and then at the corner of the carpet lying under his huge desk, everywhere but looking him in the eyes, and says: “I just… I need some time to rest. I have some things to do.”

  
She bites her tongue, deciding to cast him a glance in the very last moment of her speech. He looks at her pensively from the book he has in his hands.

And then, he slowly nods. 

  
“Please take care of yourself. You may start from now, and there won’t be any determined date of your returning. Take your time” he adds somehow hesitantly but Alex just nods her head and marches out of the office and out of the building quickening her pace with every step she takes.

*

This night she calls Kara after she has her travel bag already packed, hanging heavily from her shoulder. She calls her with one foot already out of the door, struggling with the key mechanism.

  
“Kara, I know what you are about to say,” she blurts not giving her younger sister a chance to commence the conversation. “And I know. I know that you care about me, but I just… I really need a break. And, I took my phone, the charger, the power bank. I’ll be on the way but I will be reachable, okay? If anything happens, anything, please call me immediately. But, otherwise…” Her voice breaks in the middle as she is not daring to finish the sentence.

  
At the same time she shuts the door behind herself and goes in the direction of the underground parking.

  
On the other side of the conversation she hears her sister’s slow sight.

  
“Alex, are you sure this is the right choice? I just can’t understand why you don’t want to spend time with me, with mom. We could take this trip together, I’m sure we would figure it out. I know how hard it is for you after Maggie left.”

  
Even though she knows that there’s a deep concern in Kara’s voice, and nothing but overprotectiveness, which Alex is afraid, the younger sister somehow got from her, she still frowns a little. She looks at the lights switching on the panel above the elevator and takes a deep breath.

  
“It has nothing to do with Maggie. Or with you, or mom. I feel like… I need it, Kara. I just need some time alone and I will be alright. You know me.”

  
“Yes, I know you, and you have never gone away alone for more than a day!”

  
“Unless it was a business trip,” chuckles Alex. “Kara, everything will be alright. Maybe I need it now, because I have never had the chance before.”

  
“Okay, if you want to. But… Just send me a text that everything is fine. Every day, okay?”

  
“I will, Kara. I love you,” she says and steps into the elevator. She hears only the half of the reciprocated confession as the signal is lost.

  
She throws the bag first thing onto the back seat of her car, then she puts on her sunglasses and starts the engine. It growls happily, the leather of the steering wheel warm and soft under her fingers. She takes a deep breath and puts her feet on the gas pedal.

  
There it is. Just like she wished.

A journey just for herself.

*

  
On her way, Alex rarely stops. She only does it twice, so far. One time when she pulls over the gas station to fill the bank of the car and to grab several unhealthy snacks. She answers to the advances of a flirtatious seller with a sad smile. She stops for the second time when she drives into a field track and the rabbit crosses the lane right in front of the wheels. She stops just in time, and continues her journey, driving without a sense of time as the old songs of Belinda Carlisle fill the dark and comfy space of her car.  
Eventually she stops, in a place where the stars seems so close to her that she can almost feel how this big, grand scheme of the universe sits on her chest, leaving her quite painfully, impossibly heartful.  
She calls her from the middle of the nowhere, the ground filled with freshly harvested hay, her voice shaky and small.

  
“Hi” she says breathlessly when the voice on the other side does not answer first.

  
“Alex?”

  
“Yeah, that’s me,” she answers immediately biting her tongue for that.

  
“I… didn’t expect to hear back from you.”

  
She closes her eyes.

  
There were messages, a whole freaking queue of them. And Alex cannot tell her now why she didn’t reply to any of them, as she cannot admit to even herself how she felt when each of these messages popped on the screen of her phone.

She tried, she made a draft of her answer for every single one of them. The drafts sit nicely saved still in unsend messages. And, she will not, in any life get back these long, agonizing hours at night when she was trying to stop herself from clicking on ‘send.’

Finally, once Maggie messaged her again, she just wrote ‘I’m fine,’ and the texts stopped coming.

“How are you?” asks Maggie, her soft, concerned voice filling the brutal silence in Alex’s ears.

And, suddenly Alex almost feels like she could laugh because the urge of simply telling her is too strong to contain it, all the: shouts and screams, and cries and the glass surface of the walls and the water enclosing her, rimming her chin and the bottom lip, sudden wave licking the top of her tongue. She almost tells her about the moment when she has already lost the whole energy to fight, when she was still in her jacket and shoes, floating, not having strength to save herself. In the moment when Kara entered the room and saved her, Alex was more than ever, overwhelmed with the realization of being so, so different than she was in the last year, when she could fight for her life and at the same time accept the death with dignity.  
Maggie’s voice in her head was everything what kept her sane during those hours on end one year ago, when she was ready to say goodbye to everyone whom she loved.

This time, there was no voice with her.

“I will tell you how I am if you tell me how you are,” adds Maggie and Alex’s voice hitches in her throat from sudden emotion. She shuts her eyes and bows her head, and she is somehow glad that she is somewhere where no one can see her shy smile.

“I… went on a solo trip, can you imagine?” Alex laughs at herself, bringing a hand to her face in a poor attempt to hide herself from the ridiculousness of the words which have just escaped her mouth.

“I see. Not expected that from you, Danvers.” She chuckles lightly, and then, in suddenly serious voice, she adds softy. “Is everything… alright?”  
Alex wishes she could tell her that it is, because that’s the first rule of the protocol regarding communication with one’s exes. And, Alex is very good at obeying the rules and that’s what makes her a great agent of D.E.O. That’s something what may lead to a really amazing career, and lots of successes, and the filling of fulfillment upon returning to her own dreamy, ideal house, where the warmth and soft cries of a child would wait for her return.

That’s something, what at the moment breaks a cord in her.

Because there’s no house, no child, no warmth, nothing soft, nothing of the amazingness and the fulfillment she believed she chose to fight for. There’s nothing but this distraction in a form of a call at inconvenient hour, in the middle of nowhere.

“I’ve seen better,” she says with some difficulty. “Listen,” she adds immediately, not wanting for the Maggie to interrupt her with zillion or maybe just one question to which she would have to tell the truth. “I think I may want to, I don’t know… grab a coffee with you. One day in the city, once I’m back. I understand of course if you cannot or don’t want to but I just feel like I need to speak to you.” She says on one breath.

“Did something happen?”

“Nothing new. And I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to interrupt you today with something,” she quickly adds, as her imagination provokes the vision of a soft, sexy, sleeping woman right beside Maggie, maybe even embracing her during this call.

The words she hears then, make her chest tighten.

“I will be happy to grab a coffee with you, Danvers.”


	2. Chapter 2

When she arrives, the autumn is already in the city, even though she was away only for a couple of days, and before she left, there were still the remnants of the summer in the air. She already can feel the chill in the air, so different than the one which accompanied her in the last two days of her trip.

After a phone call with Maggie, she almost immediately jumped in the car and went back on a previously abandoned road. She needed to stay in the movement, feeling somehow that if she stopped, she would give in to the feelings with which the conversation had been finished. 

She felt almost trippy, passing through a large, old bridge, already leaving so far behind the National City, that the air started to change, giving away to the dry, warm wind from the mountainous area where they often had exercised military scenarios with DEO. She stayed there for two days long, as she knew one, relatively unknown hotel whose owner had helped them immensely in one investigation in recent months.

In a hot tub, somewhere on the roof of the estate, in a place similar to a desert where gazillion stars flickered right above her head, Alex quite desperately tried to do the only thing which actually made her take a break and relax a bit. But the thoughts twisted and swirled in her head like the bubbles of the wine. She sat on the floor in one moment, still in the towel, and did something that she had been too afraid to do even then when she discovered that she wants to have kids. She immersed herself in thousands of folios with information, interviews, and advertisements; all the possible information from the clinics, which offered different ways for a single, queer woman to have a kid in a National City. She didn’t leave that hotel room until she felt overwhelmed with new possibilites.

So, she came back to her city and set a date for a meeting with Maggie.

The universe is twisted, and sometimes, as Alex already and quite painfully got to know during her adolescence, it makes your exes glow up after a break-up. Usually, it wasn't incredibly painful for Alex, as she didn't feel sentimental towards her ex-boyfriends. Instead, it was this feeling of anxiety/inferiority/sudden self-consciousness upon seeing an ex, shining in a new set of clothes, laughing like they never did with her.

She is not even surprised when she walks to the café on this quiet Sunday early afternoon, bringing a few dry leaves from the pavement, and she sees Maggie inside, who most definitively has this aura of a perfect glow up around her.

Alex sights quietly, happy that Maggie still didn't see her because it gives her a chance to take a look at herself in the mirror, which is hanged right before the doors, and make an attempt at some improvements. Somehow, with an ex-girlfriend or rather maybe, with the only human whom she ever loved, being on the other side of the glow up is much worse.

Alex feels her heart palpitations when she takes off the jacket, hanging it in the closet near the main door, and brushes her stubborn hair with the tips of her fingers. She is wearing a new white blouse she bought last week, even before her trip, and before, as she remembers now, wincing slightly, the accident with the glass box filling with water.

They were shopping with Kara, as Kara needed some clothes for a business dinner with the representatives of LexCorp to which Lena was dragging her, and as a person whose closet was filled to the brinks with casual, she had a real issue. Alex declared then that maybe, she could buy herself something to make herself feel better, perhaps even for the times when she decides she could start dating again…

She shakes her head now, pressing her fingers to warm, soft material. Whom is she kidding?

Even then, picking it from the pile of clothes, she thought of Maggie's reaction.

Alex takes a deep breath feeling deeply self-conscious that apparently, she is wearing the only date blouse that she now has in her wardrobe, which she bought for dating after Maggie, with Maggie in her mind.

But, she has decided to come here and face her, and maybe get some answers regarding her reaction to the last events. To clear the water, so to speak…

"Hi!"

She smiles at her warmly, stopping right before the table which Maggie occupies, not sure if they should exchange an embrace or if it's deemed somehow inappropriate. Maggie frees her from such hesitation by simply smiling broadly and making no move to stand up and hug her.

Alex sits, feeling a lump in her throat growing.

"Long time no see, Alex."

"Yeah, about that…" She shrugs quite involuntarily. "I thought we agreed it would be better for us if we didn't…"

"Easy, girl. I've never seen you so nervous before."

"And you think that comment has just helped me?" Alex laughs hopelessly and is surprised when Maggie joins her.

It does just the trick, and when the waiter comes, they are already in this newfound stage of a tentative communication. Alex orders a large cup of flat white, and Maggie has an autumnal, pumpkin edition of ice coffee. Even though she is a bit hungry, Alex feels nauseous at the thought of eating in front of the woman who sits with her.

"So," sights Maggie when they receive their drinks. Her eyes are so intent and sensitive that they make Alex almost gulp as she quickly begins to understand the repercussions of this meeting for her future mental state. "What brings us here, Danvers?"

"I had this accident at work."

She starts tentatively, finding the courage to say the words with every next breath. She is trembling, yes, but she doesn't dare to stop now.

"It made me think of you so much these days, that I had to see if…" She gulps. "If you maybe changed your mind."

She almost feels Maggie's shock without looking at her,

"I don't know what to say," gasps Maggie and Alex dares to look at her. These darkish, brownish eyes which she oh so loved are gleaming with something what resembles tears.

"You may not say a single thing. And if it makes you in any way uncomfortable, I apologize, I will go…"

She moves in order to stand up, but Maggie's words leave her hanging there.

"I guess for a long time, I felt like you broke a promise which you made to me, you know? I _believed_ you, Danvers." She seems to be gaining composure with each breath, but as the trace of tears disappears from her eyes, other emotions show. Anger. Disbelief. Pain. Relief.

Alex takes them all in.

"When you said this thing about choosing me… It was all really dear to me. Alex, no one before reached for this dumbass, sentimental teenager inside of me. For that bloody kid-thing from which it has all started, and I think you do not even begin to imagine what that promise then did to me."

Alex feels how the muscles in her throat tighten terribly in pain. Breathing process is right now quite unbearable to her when it becomes clear that she is closer to tears with each shallow intake.

"And then…" Maggie laughs bittersweetly. "You had embraced this new feeling of maternity, and in all of that, you _somehow_ forgot about that promise. You deliberately resigned from giving me a chance Danvers," her voice shakes a little.

"I never wanted to choose something over you."

"But you did!" Her voice is piercing; it makes Alex's heart stop. "When I reflect on it, in my bad moments, I see us having kids in the future, and you are always taking their side, always forgetting about the promise which you made to me. And you know… You did not want to do it in small steps to see how we operate together when we have to be responsible for something. It might have been a damn plant, Danvers. A puppy, for Christ's sake. We could have given this care a chance!"

"Are you saying you have imagined us having kids?"

"This is not the point of this conversation!" shouts Maggie and hits the table with the inside of her palm.

"It has never been a point of it, hasn't it?" realizes Alex suddenly.

"Why can't you just see what you made me think there?" adds Maggie on a more silent note.

"You made me feel inferior towards kids. And, damn, you come here, and you say this after half a year! Without even realizing! I was waiting for these damn words for days, and, you know… I just, I just can't with this right now."

She grabs the grey jacket which she hanged on the back of her chair.

"I can't talk with you about this if you do not even understand your behavior," she adds sharply and leaves the café.

_I'm sorry_ , hangs on the mouth of Alex, alone and shaking beside her lonely table.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been two months since Alex's last conversation with Maggie, and she finds herself feeling giddy and anxious at the same time, on the porch of the fertility clinic. Standing there, she remembers as if it was yesterday, the feeling which overtook her body over eight months ago, making her cry herself to sleep all silently in order not to wake up the dearest woman who slept close to her. At that time, Alex believed Maggie to be at the root of her issue. Right now, she feels ashamed at the very thought of it – it leaves unpleasant taste in her mouth. How come she did not comprehend back then that she can still have it all, and no partner, neither male nor female, is necessary for her to feel that she can create a complete family?

Crossing the building's main door, she is more than ever confident of her choice as she knows that she has always preferred herself in action rather than not.

On the main floor, she glances absentmindedly at her phone, and seeing a message from Lena, she quickly opens it, furrowing her eyebrows slightly as Kara's girlfriend doesn't text her frequently. In the terribly white, fluorescent light of the medical clinic, Alex sees a picture of Lena kissing Kara. The fact that the kiss in itself does not make the wide grins of both women disappear, and the new set of keys is dangling from the tops of Kara's fingers which are so very conveniently (Alex smirks at Lena's resourcefulness) placed in the photo, make Alex smile softly from joy. She knows that Lena planned to officially offer Kara the keys to her flat from the moment they started seeing each other and that she anticipated Kara's reaction with tremendous fear as she has called Alex more than two times in the past weeks. The fact that she has finally got enough of the courage to do it makes Alex proud of her future (as she more than suspects now) sister-in-law. She texts her back with some emojis of hearts and bouquets, and still smiling, goes to the reception desk.

Before seeing her doctor, she needs to fill at least dozens of questionnaires, but she does just so, dutifully, remembering that if she decides to have a kid, there will be thousands of such surveys or interviews. It's all for a kid's future well-being; she says to herself, placing her signature on the last one of them with a soft sight and giving all the documents to the nurse.

"Miss Nakajima is waiting for you in room three. Please wait outside for her to call your name," says the woman at the reception fifteen minutes later, once all the data is entered into their system and Alex takes her things and goes towards the room pointed to her by the receptionist.

Waiting does not take long. Alex is probably way too excited with the impending appointment, which she rescheduled for about six times during these last months when she finally decided to take some action. Besides, she is way too busy looking at other women waiting in the queue to the doctor even though the sight of a lesbian couple holding hands and giggling over some magazine pierces her heart. She is happy though that she came here because now she sees the real possibility for herself.

When the doctor finally calls her name, she somehow sheepishly jumps to her feet and walks into just opened office.

"Alex Danvers, right?" smiles a woman from the other side of the desk, and seeing her closing the door, she stands up and makes a few steps in her direction to shake her hand confidentially (her hands are warm and delicate, and the touch is somehow nice) which positively surprises Alex.

Feeling warmly welcomed, she sits on the guest chair and looks around the room, noting that it has been decorated in a manner which rather brings her association with a luxurious, very modern spa rather than with the doctor’s office.

The doctor smiles gracefully at her; her dark eyes gleam with joy as she glances shortly at the computer screen and then back to Alex, focusing her full attention on her. She seems nice. Too nice. Waay too nice than Alex expected, and she looks as if she was in the same age as Alex. Alex looks abashedly at her own hands, clenched at her lap.

“How can I help you, Alex?”

“Doctor Nakajima, I…”

“Please call me Asahi.”

"Okay," Alex smiles, feeling quite encouraged and takes a deep breath making the next few sentences jump at an impossible speed from her mouth. "I would like to have a baby, possibly this year, and I would like to get to know first, if it's possible, if everything is okay with me biologically speaking, because you know I am a doctor, and I know that probably I have nothing to worry about but I am still not sure what are my chances and I would like to know first of the possible ways, and if baby, if the future baby is healthy because that's the most important thing and I need to know it to consider some other options first…"

She almost stutters.

The doctor (Asahi, as Alex tries to call her in her mind) looks at her incredulously first and then smiles broadly.

"Wow," she says. "I hope I got everything, but as I can see that you have many questions, maybe we will write them down together and follow the list, okay? In that way, you can be sure that you have all the issues covered, and I would be able to construct our plan."

 _The plan_ _,_ Alex almost repeats after her, but instead, she smiles with gratitude. With every next minute, she is more sure that she got incredibly lucky and found the right doctor on the very first try. The whole visit also takes more than an hour, and with the list of tests which Alex still needs to make before the next appointment clenched in her hand, she feels a little bit more confident than before that her life just got back on the right track.

By the end of the visit, when the other woman turns the screen of her computer in Alex's direction in order to show her how her next test is going to look like, she gets a glimpse of her wallpaper, which is the starry shore somewhere far away from National City. When she looks at it, a strange sensation washes through her, from the pit of her stomach to her very heart. With frustration, she recognizes it immediately as a feeling of déjà vu, which she cannot place even long after leaving the clinic.

“That’s the nice one,” she finally says when she realizes that Asahi’s glance landed on her when she didn’t stop looking at her screen for a while.

"It helps me to remember that such a thing like vacation exists. It was my husband's idea to remind me that," she laughs softly. "It's somewhere from Japan. I don't remember where, and I've never been there in my life, but it's beautiful to look at when you have a bad day."

“I was there once,” remembers Alex suddenly. “On a camp, as a little girl, I think.” She adds hesitantly and smiles.

"Oh my Goodness, lucky you!" Asahi chuckles and walks her to the door. "So, we see each other in two weeks. Please use that time to do all the tests and remember about the proper nutrition. It's never too early to start."

“I will, doctor!” says Alex, parodying the salute.

She leaves the doctor's office, feeling her heart lighter of thousands of pounds.

*

She sees them in El Toyon Park that night when she goes running.

They are walking from somewhere when she crosses SU Avenue's corner with the E 3rd Street, and they are embracing each other and laughing. At first, she does not recognize her, and she instinctively smiles to herself, seeing another lesbian couple who looks quite ridiculously happy.

Only when she reaches that spot near the baseball pitch and one of the women turns to brush something off the other's hair, Alex feels like all the air leaves her lungs.

It’s Maggie.

Sudden fear makes her stop in place. She cannot stop looking at them. They are just casually walking, both of them carrying these ridiculous yoga mats, the activity disliked by Alex, which Maggie once made her participate in. The other woman, this gorgeous tanned blonde, doesn't seem to be bothered with attending such class. Alex can bet that it was probably her idea to drag Maggie to the class; the woman exudes this perfect, hippie, Californian lesbian vibes, which Alex is very aware she doesn't have. When she stretches her long, tattooed arms to place a hand on Maggie's back, Alex needs to avert her eyes, but then she quickly finds herself looking back at them. She knows that there are only seconds now separating them from meeting each other as they are divided only by a few meters, and Alex cannot stop looking, attracting their attention.

She has already felt a bit weary after running for over an hour, but right now, she feels as if her body was electrocuted. It's so tense with emotion.

When their eyes meet, Maggie merely nods in her direction, and despite the surprise which the sudden encounter clearly evoked in her, she still turns to her partner. Even seeing it as a perfectly healthy reaction from the side of her ex, a reaction showing respect both to her and the girl with whom she is, Alex still feels as if punched right in the stomach. And, when she notices the curious glance of Maggie's partner, she waves awkwardly and runs from there, gaining speed with every second until she is left breathless somewhere on the pedestrian crossing.

It was inevitable for them to bump at each other at some point, and Alex knows she may call herself lucky for not encountering Maggie yet at her work. But it doesn't change the fact that she feels as if she was dying a little bit inside. Desperately, she wants to think that it is all from the run.

*

Later that night, when she lies in the same bed where they used to lie together (well, she changed the mattress and then the frame, so it is not really the same bed, but it still feels like that due to the exactly same position of it and Alex's simple taste in furniture), she finally grasps the feeling which was brought back to her today in the clinic.

Maybe it's because she doesn't want to think about what she saw in the park so much that her mind brings her the extremely vivid memory which Alex couldn't recall in the first moment when she noticed her doctor's wallpaper.

She remembers the sand, so white that all children wallow and play in it entranced by its fair color, so different from that of California's beaches. By the end of September, her parents sent her off to this camp, which was most probably caused by one of her father's dangerous missions. At least it is what Alex supposes now. But she cannot place this sense of sweet sadness, which washes through her when she starts to look for the pictures of Okinawa Prefecture in Google on her phone. Nothing seems similar until she recognizes the rocky cliff at Cape Manzamo, and suddenly, a string of memory is pushed further, and Alex remembers something else.

A promise.

"But about what?" she whispers to herself and shakes her head, feeling quite silly.

She just wanted to be a little bit happier, more complete. Seeing Maggie today with this woman, smiling at her with such ease…

Completely engrossed in that god-awful feeling of self-pity, she reaches for her phone again and decides to delete all the messages she has received from Maggie in the recent months.

She goes through all of them, removing them one by one because she has already opened a bottle of wine. Alex feels ready for it, mainly because she is still torturing herself with visions of beautiful, Californian lesbians.

This one message, sent to her over four months ago, makes her stop and pour herself more wine, which she drinks almost greedily or at least until she is quite sure she can look again at her phone without experiencing a heart attack.

There, on the screen, are only five little words that make her feel nauseous and weak in the knees at the same time.

_I will always remember you._

And it's not even the worst. The worst are the words that are still saved in the unsent draft below Maggie's message.

 _I hope you think of me_.

When her phone suddenly pings then, Alex screams and throws it across her bedroom.

She cannot help but run towards the device, cursing in the mid of her run and almost tripping over the heap of clothes left by the door.

There’s just one message from Kara who enthusiastically (judging by the number of exclamation marks) invites her to a housewarming party at her and Lena’s flat.

But Alex doesn’t even have enough strength left to smile at that when she discovers that the draft status of her message changed to “sent.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it took so long; I hope you enjoyed it at least – this chapter is almost twice as long as the previous ones.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some personal hurricanes, I'm back. Hope some of you are still here :)

She is putting on a dress, lipstick, and a smile.

Any sort of gathering organized by Lena, even the one for which she is partly responsible with Kara, can be only elegant to the point of exhaustion.

Alex changes her dress three times before she goes out but even when she steps into the taxi waiting for her already in front of her apartment, she still feels damn insecure and quite consciously she clutches her small purse in hand.  
The dress she has finally decided on glimmers delicately in the light of the streetlamps they pass on the way. It's a long sleeve mini dress with the cleavage cut so low that she is terribly self-conscious. But something in the dress – maybe the golden-black glitter stripes, maybe the puffed shoulders, or that cleavage make her feel sexy. And it's a damn good thing to feel this way after such a long time.

At the doors of the apartment, she is greeted by the soft sound of the classical live music of a violin quartet sitting at the special podium within the main room. The light is dimmed, the air smells of something delicate and exotic, and most probably extremely expensive, and everywhere are people surrounded by the gold-rimmed glasses of champagne which are covering all the free tables and etageres.

Alex smiles to herself, takes her own glass from the passing waiter, and slowly makes a few steps into the room, trying to scan it without getting anyone's attention in search of her sister.

Even though the party was organized due to private reasons, looking at some of the guests dressed in elegant suits and under the ties, a realization that Lena managed to incorporate some business function into her evening sweeps through her mind.

Eventually and upon a second glass of wine and a short conversation with Lena’s assistant, she sees Kara’s golden head in the crowd. She has her back turned to her and seems to be engaged in a lively conversation – her head bumps from time to time, and with all her hair pinned up, her ponytail is shaking with every move.  
Alex feels how the familiar soft and warm feeling of affection, which is now even stronger than usual due to the amount of the sparkling drink, washes through her and she hides her smile with another gulp. Immediately, she starts to push through the crowd, careful so as not to spill the drink on herself.

"Hi Kara!" she calls her two steps from afar and her sister turns, looking quite aghast. The realization why she may have panicked seeing her unravels when upon turning Kara in the process reveals the person with whom she talked.

"Maggie," gasps Alex, forgetting how to breathe properly. "I didn't expect to see you here," she says weakly.

Maggie looks at her with intent eyes. She is wearing a smart set of tight pants and a blazer, and she looks… she looks better than Alex can comprehend.  
"Lena invited me," she says after a moment, her voice is low and a bit raspy as if she was trying to somehow underline that her presence here is welcomed. That she belongs here.

It makes Alex feel so embarrassingly stupid that she hasn't thought that after the break up she may have maintained contact with her circle of friends, that she quickly grabs another glass of champagne from the marble stand and takes a sip.

"I'm really happy," she says hoping that she sounds convincing when all she can think of is whether Maggie is here with that woman she saw her with in the park. "What do you think about the party? That's… that's quite a gesture from Lena" she stutters and it makes her even more embarrassed.

"I was telling her to take it easy, I swear!" says Kara who seems only now to be able to say a word.

Maggie seems as if she was trying very hard not to snort.  
"I mean, what did you expect? It's Lena after all. This girl has been waiting for you forever." She laughs quietly. "But I think it is brilliant. You are so lucky, Kara."

Kara turns redder than her dress and makes a quiet yelp which ends with her throwing her arm around Maggie's neck. Standing in the distance from them, Alex feels like she ought to say something as well. Especially when she notices the awkward glance of Kara who links her eyes with hers for a second. Alex turns her head, and she coughs, desperately needing for her voice to sound normal and she pads Kara's shoulder.

“You know how happy I am for you, little one.”  
The voice of Kara’s laugh fills the air.  
“Not so little,” she says glancing at her from the rim of her glasses.  
Alex just shakes her head stupidly.  
“I need to leave you for now, because Lena wanted to make a little speech around this time and I need to find her before,” she says with a full smile and before Alex can blink, she is gone.  
"And I told her not to be too ostentatious with her skills," Alex sighs softly, unsuccessfully trying to find the trace of Kara in the crowd.

“Well, it’s your sister after all.”  
Alex turns her head towards Maggie and finds her looking at her intently, with two glasses of sparkling wine already in her hands. Is she here with someone after all? Alex feels like something is tightening in her chest once she realizes the possible implication of Maggie's lack of company.

“I guess…” she whispers. “Are you waiting for someone?” She can’t help but ask, looking from the glasses to Maggie in order to hide her obvious interest.  
The other woman smiles mysteriously and inclines her head. Alex feels like those seconds separating her from the knowledge are cutting the space around her heart like sharp knives.  
“It’s for you,” says eventually Maggie.

Only then she notices that she holds now an empty empty glass in her hands and she quickly puts it on one of the tables.

And what can she do. She is at the party celebrating the wonderful relationship of her very dear younger sister. If that wasn't enough, she is here with the lost love of her life who is already back into dating and doing it with the success, because nothing like the casual or even friendly conversation with someone who once been a significant other says about the other's one successful dating.

So Alex brings the drink to her lips and empties the fifth or sixth glass of champagne this evening.

*

Later on, they find themselves on Lena's and Kara's huge, open balcony which as Alex suspects was chosen to provide Supergirl an easy way of landing. There is the other balcony here as well, as Alex notices, showing Maggie the one which she knows leads straight to Kara and Lena's bedroom. Half or maybe a bit more than half-drunk she mentions her observations to Maggie and soon after that they are laughing their heads off.

However inappropriate, especially in the context of one's sister, it feels oddly good to be able to share it with someone else. Even if this someone is her beautiful ex-girlfriend who even right now can make her laugh to tears with her wicked sense of humor.

"Listen…" says Alex after a moment, when she begins to have some troubles with distinguishing the noises of the party sipping through the jarred door from the noises made by the sparkles of the bubbles and Maggie's breathing. In the very last moment before saying the next words, she knows she can only get them out of her system because she is drunk. "I'm sorry for not creating an environment where we could talk about it."

She has a feeling that she is going to regret it tomorrow. There's something that flashes through the eyes of Maggie upon her words, which makes her feel nauseous.

"It's always the fault of two people," she says finally, seeming to have troubles with speaking about it. Her voice is raspy from all the drinks they had had, and she is looking at Alex so intently that she feels the blush covering the whole surface of her neck and ears. "Don't worry about it, Danvers" she adds softly, and her fingers are tracing for a short few seconds the bare skin of Alex's arm.

Soon after that, she turns her head in the direction of the room they both left, where the party is still brewing behind the glass door.  
"Are you… Uhm…" says Alex when she catches Maggie not listening to her for the second time in the period of maybe a minute. Unpleasant, crippling sensations crawl up her back. "Are you looking for someone?"

"Yes," she says, turning head in her direction hesitantly. There's a glimpse of something in her dark eyes that Alex at first cannot place. "I'm looking for a girl with whom I went here today. She has some friends here and she left me for a moment, but I expect, I should better get back inside."

It's guilt – this feeling fleeting through Maggie's eyes. The same one as when they met that woman with whom she was for over five years. The same one which she had in her eyes at that moment when Alex figured out that she was lying about her.

She is turning her champagne glass in the direction of Alex, already with one foot set aside in the direction of the door.

"I guess I should go inside as well…" whispers Alex rather to herself than to the woman and quickly empties her glass.  
She only follows Maggie's steps once she is completely sure her ex-fiancé is already back inside, immersed so completely in the crowd that she can no longer find her beautiful head among people.

Apparently, she has some luck as she goes in right at the moment when the delicate noise of a glass clicking, announcing the speech, is made. All people gradually fall silent and when the occasional murmurs and whispers die, Lena appears on the platform which was made for her piano. Behind her, there's Kara who seems quite abashed by the whole situation, all rosy-cheeked but definitely looking very happy.

Alex cranes her neck to see them a bit better, feeling how the obvious excitement of the gathered people starts taking the toll on her as well.

“We are extremely happy that all of you – our dearest friends and family – can be here today. I am overjoyed to welcome you to our new home and to share with you our happiness. On account of that, we have very much liked to gather all of you here today, as we have some rather exciting and significant news to share.”  
Lena beams with enthusiasm and her voice is so powerful and yet sweet, so full of care. Alex cannot stop looking at them, at their little movements on the stage which seem to be harmonized, at the way they look at each other between Lena's sentences – as if they didn't see the world behind each other, and Alex is quite sure that this is completely true.

"Maybe some of you are surprised that you have found yourselves here as I certainly made myself clear in these last years with my stand on privacy." Lena laughs softly and some people join her, some even clap their hands. "However, the changes about which I would like to tell you about, are, I am afraid, much bigger than me, and we will need the support of everyone involved in Supergirl's safety as well as in LexCorp's future."

Some more murmurs than before pass the room like a wave. Alex herself starts feeling as if she was sobering very quickly, and the ice begins to flood her veins.

"In the next two years, I will be stepping down from the functions of managing director and I will be delegating all the processes to predisposed for such tasks people. I will of course still remain in my function as the CEO of the company and owner of all the processes, however, I would like to focus on laboratory work and… my family."

Alex claps with everyone, positively astonished and a bit confused by the information, and only when after a couple of minutes she feels the touch of her little sister's fingers on her elbow and she pulls her into a tight hug, she feels a bit worried about the decision of one of the biggest workaholics she knows. Except for herself, that is.

"Are you okay with this decision?" she asks Kara as soon as she congratulates her on the speech made by Lena.

"Oh, yes, I mean, I even insisted on her not throwing this all away, because, can you imagine, she wanted to completely resign from her job and focus completely on raising the kid but I know her, and I know how uncomfortable she would be with such solution, so I'm, yeah, relieved that I managed to talk her out of it…" she laughs quite nervously, and then, very suddenly, she completely freezes in place.  
“Alex.”  
“Raising a kid?” she whimpers.  
“Ummm.”  
She feels a rather unpleasant sensation growing in her chest which is stifling her breath. Only when she feels a sudden sting of hotness in her eyes, she recognizes it as a first wave of tears and, panicked, she begins to blink quickly.

"I'm so happy for you," she says suddenly all sappy, keeping her eyes on the wall somewhere behind Kara. She even manages to let out a short chuckle, covering her eyes as if she was embarrassed. "I think I had enough of drinks," she says feeling thankful for all the training where she was teaching herself the art of keeping her face inscrutable as even the most wane try of it is necessary right now. For her beautiful sister whom she loves very much. For their relationship. For Alex's little family. "And I really need to get back home now."

"Is that because of Maggie? Do you need me to call you a taxi? Do you want me to drive you back home?"

Alex keeps shaking her head and takes a deep breath which finally allows her to gain some control over the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She squeezes Kara's arm in a sisterly caress. Hoping that the hug is tender enough.

“No, I will catch one downstairs. Please send my love to Lena. We will see on Wednesday, right?”  
Kara nods, and Alex forces herself to send her a smile. When the doors of the elevator close behind her, she lets herself collapse on the machine's silvery surface and she hides her face in her hands.

The first tears start prickling under her fingers.

*[Alex's dress](https://files-cdn.sharenator.com/2020/05/chyler-leigh-cleavage-683x1024.jpg)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess I always wanted to try myself in one of those text-stories.

* **Alex**

** _Maggie_

Chapter 5

The first text comes shortly after 1 am, an hour after Alex comes back home from the party.

_How are you doing?_

Alex is lying still in her dress, however, unzipped, on an unmade bed with the heels lying somewhere on the carpet. She kicked them off first thing when she entered the apartment, not seeing even the floor underneath her feet, well... simply due to the amount of her tears.

Despite that, she already feels a bit more collected than before. Yes, she cried and was quite shaken. But she thinks that right now she has managed to deal with her emotions.

That impression vanishes in a second when she unblocks her phone.

When she sees the sender of the message she feels as if somebody punched her right in the heart.

It's Maggie.

At first, she cannot even read the messages because of the mascara smeared on her eyes and cheeks. She needs to wipe her eyes quite aggressively, smearing the mascara all over her wrists and fingers, and only then she can see the message. 

****Alright** **

Only a couple of seconds pass till the soft sound of her phone and the next message.

_So you knew?_

****No.** **

_Ah, there's the dot of hatred. Been waiting for it_

_I hope you are okay_

_I sort of… wanted to check up on you_

****Why?** **

Some time passes till the next message, enough for Alex to count every single of the lights which are being casted from the bedside lamp.

_I know how important it is for you_

"No kidding," she snorts grabbing her phone harder in the first thought to answer something unpleasant to that when the second message comes.

_It must have hurt to hear it this way_

Alex stifles half-cry half-laugh which threatens to break from her throat. That's the sort of feeling which doesn't leave her since she received this information. The sort which makes her feel so dizzy from experiencing a whole damn package of emotions quite suddenly and all at once, ranging from anger, jealousy, disappointment to the excitement, happiness, and content.

Why Kara couldn't simply tell her somewhere private? Why did they need to make a big gala out of it, instead of letting them celebrate it someplace more intimate? Why did they gather there so many people?

****It is, but I'm okay,**** she writes instead.

****I'm happy for her** **

_Never said that you aren't_

She doesn't really want to talk about it, so she drops her phone back on her bed. One minute later she rolls over her bed to grasp the phone again. She is drunk enough to think that there's nothing wrong with this conversation. And to tell herself, that honestly, she just wants to talk to someone, and that's why she is texting Maggie now.

****Why don't you sleep?** **

_Insomnia_

_I mean, a bit at least_

_I just came back from the party_

_And I have a shift in the morning :)_

****Still, at 6 am?** **

_Yeah, not a fan_

_I guess I should better start brewing my matcha by now_

****It may be a good idea** **

****I could use some myself** **

_And you? Why can't you sleep?_

****I think I am not that tired yet** **

_No work tomorrow?_

****I'm sort of on voluntary leave** **

_Wow_

_Really?_

****Yup** **

****And, it is the second time** **

_Somebody is finally taking care of herself!_

****One may say that ;)** **

_What happened? :D_

****I'm getting some things done** **

_That's quite mysterious, Danvers_

Alex bites the inside of her mouth and thinks for a moment before typing the next words. A small - vicious and secretive, and normally well hidden - part of her feels like this is a very nice moment to at least attempt a revenge for Maggie making her feel like this. She doesn't want to think that this feeling is probably more than a little connected with the blonde, tattooed lesbian. 

So she just quickly types and sends the message on the impulse. 

****I'm going to the clinic tomorrow** **

The answer appears after some time. Long seconds pass with Alex getting bored with looking behind the windows of her bedroom and trying to count all the lights in the skyscraper which she sees from here. She manages to get to the sixth floor when the screen of her phone illuminates with an incoming message.

_Are you alright? Is everything okay?_

She almost smiles, feeling the wave of strange warmth settling on her chest.

****It is.** **

****I'm taking some extra care of my health these days** **

_I know I probably shouldn't ask, and that's not my right to ask_

_But is everything really okay?_

****I'm just… busy with my fertility appointments** **

_…and leaving me speechless_

Alex can't help but chuckle lightly and stands up from the bed. After a moment of hesitation, she grabs the phone from the duvet and takes it with her to the bathroom. There's a signal coming from another message when she is standing in her underwear in front of the mirror, with the toothpaste smeared all over her lips.

_I'm happy that you're finally doing what you wanted to_

She types quickly without giving it a thought. She still feels too dizzy from the alcohol for the meaning of this conversation to fully reach her.

****I am too :)** **

****Really** **

_Should you drink though?_

****Well** **

Alex sighs, leaning on the cold wall.

****I haven't yet begun the actual procedure** **

****I'm about to, though** **

_At least you will have a non-drinking buddy now_

****Huh?** **

_Lena or Kara?_

****Yeah** **

****You're right** **

She closes her eyes for a moment, imaging immediately Kara with a big, pregnant belly holding hands with Lena who is pushing the stroller with a young child already in it. Jealousy, cold and vile, washes through her. Quite immediately she feels woozy and embarrassed due to feeling it. 

****I guess I haven't really thought about it yet :/** **

_No wonder_

_They are quite fast with everything, aren't they?_

Alex frowns. She thinks for a moment of all the conversations which she had with Kara over the years when Kara was gushing over Lena from the first moment when she met her. All the conversations when Kara was afraid of her feelings. All the conversations when she was afraid to reveal her super side to Lena. All the conversations when their relationship seemed to be in shreds. And, finally, those moments of peace which came in recent months and actually lasted.

****I think if it's the right moment for them then…** **

****We don't get to say anything about it.** **

_Back to the dot, are we?_

_How are you for real Danvers?_

Alex sighs and blocks her phone for a moment. The screen turns black and for several moments it does not light up. She takes these moments to breathe, each breath deeper than the first one. Only now, with the world still spinning in front of her eyes, and the feeling of nausea at the very back of her throat, she realizes how drunk she actually is.

It scares her for several reasons. One of them is how quickly she types with her cold fingers the very first thing that comes to her mind.

****Aren't your girlfriend angry that we talk?** **

_She went home_

****Aha,**** thinks Alex and she actually writes it.

_And we communicate, you know?_

She starts shaking at that moment, the aching realizations, or maybe the alcohol begins to attack her stomach with the sharp arrows of pain. She cannot start to analyze her behavior right now, she is way too drunk for it. The one thing which she could to now is to stop this conversation and save herself from getting embarassed but she cannot force herself to do that. 

Alex takes one, very deep breath and freezes in place upon clicking on send.

****Why did you text me?** **

_Don't laugh_

****I won't** **

She cannot even smile right now.

_I wanted to make sure you are okay_

_I know how important it is for you what Lena said today_

_And how shocking it must have been if you didn't know_

Alex closes her eyes and remembers all of the messages which Maggie sent shortly after their breakup, and then a couple of weeks and then months after it. With time their amount became limited. Then scarce. And, in the end, there were none. At first, they all were addressing her state. Dozens of them. All equally making Alex lost her ability to breathe. All proving to her, by her unjust decision and the lack of action in not responding to them that she behaved in the wrong way. That she should have had that one more discussion with Maggie before breaking things off. They messages are till there, all of them, right under her eyelids, waiting for the moments when she closes her eyes to whisper in her ears softly.

( _How are you? How have you been? Please, let me know that you are okay. I saw you today in a park, a glimpse, you probably didn't see me. It's undoubtedly stupid of me, I know you must have changed the number or blocked my number, but I am worried about you. Please let me know you are well. Alex? I just want you to send me a signal. Okay, I guess this is also a signal… Take care of yourself, Danvers. I will always remember you.)_

It is unbearable.

****It wasn't easy** **

****But I really meant that I am happy for them** **

****Besides, I will be the most amazing aunt ;)** **

_Never doubted that, Alex_

The breath catches in her chest and she has to sit under the wall, shaking so much that it hurts. Her phone remains silent on her washing machine.

Alex cannot help but wonders what it's like to be with Maggie from the messages – funny, supportive of her choice, responsible and compassionate – at the moment. The woman who was once her fiancé seems to be changed so much in so many different ways and yet… quite agonizingly to be exactly the same as she was before.

She tries to tell herself that Maggie is a different person right now, with the new parts which glimpses of which Alex can only guess.

She also tries to tell herself that the fact that Maggie used her name means absolutely nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

It gets to her right at the moment when she takes a sip of her tea and it makes her cough. And, despite her best intention, behave quite frantically.

She needs to be 100 % sure that what she has just heard from her sister was not some trick of her mind.

"What are you looking for?" she asks weakly when she manages to convince Kara that _no_ , the punch on her back is not a good idea. Alex well remembers the last time when she choked on a sip of tea in the presence of Supergirl, and the bruise which Kara caused in panic by trying to help her didn’t fade for long weeks during which Alex was getting curious and worried glances when using their gym at work.

Kara is way too flustered at the moment to push too hard on the front of saving Alex from choking. To Alex's surprise, her younger sister blushes and bites her lip.

“A clinic,” she gulps, not looking her in the eyes. “Lena would like to have a few blood tests, and to do this genetic screen to check if… if everything is alright with her and if she may possibly carry some different conditions for the baby. And, then, there are still some tests to make to check if everything _in there_ is looking good.”

Alex looks at her for a long time, feeling as if she has just been punched very softly in the stomach. Softly enough to make the experience painful but not to paralyze her. Eventually, she finds herself smiling slowly.

"I happen to know just the right place," she says even though it was meant to be her safe space and a little secret to which no one could have access until she was ready to tell them.

She doesn't feel ready just yet. But looking at how Kara's eyes immediately light up in relief, Alex begins to think that maybe, just maybe, she is one step closer to figuring out her feelings in the process.

*

The topic is somehow forgotten and on these daily occasions when Alex meets Kara at work, they never discuss it again. They speak of some mundane crime statistics, traces of dangerous aliens both in and outside the city as well as the possible breach of the civilian identity of some other superheroes all while keeping Kara’s position in the media under constant control. 

Alex manages to forget the whole conversation, completely engrossed in the monitoring of the project of inventing the program which is supposed to manage to detect traces of hostile and toxic alien weapons, when Kara knocks on the glass doors of her lab and somehow, by just looking at her face, Alex guesses this conversation ain't gonna be about their work.

“May I?”

“Asking that with my favorite cappuccino in hand? Somebody came prepared.” She notices and waves c’mon in her direction, encouraging her to enter the lab.

She hears the click of the glass door being closed.

“So…” Kara puts Alex’s coffee on the table in the convenient reach of her hands. “Areyoustillokaywithusdiscussingtheclinic?” she asks in one breath.

Alex looks at her with fond mirth, ignoring yet another punch which this time landed just in the middle of her chest. At this point and this age, she should no longer ignore psychosomatic pains and actually visit a doctor.

But as the last doctor to whom Alex willingly went to, was the same Kara and Lena want to visit now… it gets more than a little bit complicated in her mind.

However, what she does now, is that she pushes all those quite disturbing thoughts which she doesn’t wish to explore into the secluded corner of her mind, and she gathers herself turning to Kara.

“I am.” She lies.

Kara’s face brightens with a sincere smile and Alex cannot make herself say no.

She allows herself to sight only once the door is closed behind Kara. They have planned to go to the clinic together – all three of them – in the next week. She doesn’t really know how she is going to make it as in this very moment she cannot even imagine this visit in the safe space of her mind.

*

The first text after that long night of talking after Lena’s party comes when Alex finds herself in rather uncomfortable circumstances.

It simply says: “ _How are you doing, Danvers_?” and Alex only takes a quick look at the notification on her screen, not even letting Maggie know that she read the message, and lets her phone go back to silent mode.

She has no other option than to ignore it now.

She is sitting in the small café on the top of the clinic which is reserved only for its clients. Surrounded by couples, Alex sits alone at her table and she tries to push away all the thoughts which keep coming to her head. The exact same thoughts, which she has been actively penning in that secluded corner of her mind, not risking them seeing the daylight. Apparently, it is not such an easy thing to do when you are living through the same terrible scenarios constructed in those thoughts.

There she is, waiting for her little sister’s fiancé as in the very last-minute Kara was called in on a mission as Supergirl and she had to drop everything. Lena doesn’t know about it yet. If she didn’t check her phone, that is, and Alex suspects she didn’t as she was taken straight to the examination room for the tests. What Lena knows is that Kara will be later than she was supposed to be and not that her fiancé will not appear here at all.

Still, the worst thing is that they have already been mistaken twice for a couple, which in other circumstances, in which Alex wasn’t still processing her pain, would be funny. Hilarious even.

She hopes Lena won't be as embarrassed by this situation just like Alex is. That's why she went to the café and not sit somewhere in the corridor, waiting. She really needs to calm her head, but the thoughts keep spinning every time she sees someone pregnant or a picture of a baby, which are... quite frequent in a fertility clinic. She is sitting here, with her coffee and taking slow breaths, not allowing her anxiety attack to completely overpower her. Alex probably couldn't look herself in the eyes for days if by her personal issues she made the situation more awkward than it is now.

She slightly trembles, actually, and it doesn't really help that she has ordered double americano after, yet another sleepless night spent on searching for impossible solutions to her work projects. Due to that, she is also so engrossed in herself that she doesn't even notice the familiar figure appearing at the door to the café. She only realizes that, when someone walks to her table and casts a shadow over her.

“Alex,” says her doctor with a trace of a pleasant surprise in her voice. Her face is, just like the last time, lighted up with some inner kindness. “What a nice surprise! I didn’t expect to see you here so soon, I thought you are still figuring which method is best for you…”

Alex strains the muscles of her face into a slightly painful, forced smile.

It is not the time to think about the fact that several weeks ago, sometime around this lasting almost half the night conversation with Maggie, she has decided to ignore her own desires and stop thinking about making the decision about having a baby just by herself.

This is probably why these thoughts strike her now bringing with themselves the pain of self-disappointment and resentment with the power of a stab in her chest.

“Well, not for me,” she says finally and shrugs.

Only after the eyes of her doctor light up at her words she realizes how it sounded and curses in her head.

Asahi smiles broadly and points with her thumb the entrance of the café.

“I am just taking a little break and then I’m coming back to the office. So… that’s why I didn’t recognize your name on the list of patients for today!”

Alex freezes in the mid of shaking her head.

“It’s actually for my friend who…”

She loses her ability to speak as in this very moment she sees the sight of a very familiar silhouette right in the corridor behind Asahi's back, someone hundred meters from where she is sitting. It makes her insides twist and flip. She blinks and swallows but when she opens her eyes again no one except for some nurses is in the spot behind Asahi's shoulder.

It's probably due to her nerves, anxiety, and lack of sleep. There is no possibility that Maggie is here. It would be ridiculous, she convinces herself.

“It’s for my family member,” she licks her suddenly very dry lips, gaining back the ability to speak.

Asahi nods and pats her lightly on her arm.

“I know you will make the best decision for yourself eventually,” she says at the end right before she says her goodbyes and Alex feels like some little burden is being slightly lifted from her shoulders.

Nevertheless, it still doesn’t calm her down.

As soon as the doctor leaves the café, Alex stands up and goes in the direction of the corridor, where she has just seen someone who looked exactly like Maggie.

She quickens her pace, trying not to do it quite noticeably because no one runs in such places, however, the terrible thought starts pounding in her head, and her organism, so used to the calming routine of physical exercises, tries to push it out by forcing her muscles to even quicker pace.

But it is still there, all the time.

_What if… what if Maggie decided to have babies?_

Alex turns into the next corridor where looking-like-Maggie-woman could possibly go. She tries to tell herself that the fact that Maggie may have changed her mind doesn’t change anything for them, for her, for…

She really tries.

Tries so hard in fact that she almost doesn’t notice that it’s Lena sitting in the very corner of the corridor on her left and looking at her curiously from the band-aid which she presses to her still bleeding arm.

“Alex?” she asks curiously and adds, even though it really isn’t her who should be asking that question. “Is everything alright?”

Alex sits on a chair beside her and pats her gently on the knee.

“I’m perfectly alright,” she smiles fondly, closing her eyes for a brief second so that Lena couldn’t see that there’s no trace of joy in them. “So…! How are you feeling? Where are we going next?”

"Actually," Lena bites her lower lip and looks at her somehow embarrassed. "When Kara texted me I wasn't sure you could be here instead of her… Look, I know how busy you are with your work… and, I might have called someone else, and… I am not sure how you're going to take it."

She looks quite ashamed and abashed. There is the biggest blush on her cheeks Alex has ever seen on her.

When she looks her directly in the eyes, a terrible feeling washes over her.

“Oh, you…?” she manages to say, not even able to finish the sentence.

“I have invited Maggie.”

*

The blush from all the laughter covers her dark, olive skin reaching the patch of skin close to her cleavage, revealed by the button of her shirt which accidentally loosened about seven minutes ago.

Alex remembers the time exactly as at that moment she forgot how to breathe for a couple of seconds.

“Aren’t you afraid, though? Even a tiny bit?” Maggie asks Lena after they stopped joking about Lena’s first reaction to genetic tests.

“I aam, but I believe it is quite normal?” Lena’s eyes reach quite pleadingly Alex who barely said a word since Maggie joined them.

"You will be perfect" she manages to say feeling like her throat slightly tightens with the emotion and hoping it is not perceptible in her voice. "And, besides…" she shrugs, stretching her arms over her head. "You will have Kara who, I can bet, will be carrying you, the baby, the stroller, and probably half of your baby supplies from the joy."

She glances in the direction of Maggie by chance and sees how Maggie's smile has deepened. Her black eyes shine with familiar mirth which has the effect of leaving Alex's mouth dry, but it is her lips that grasp her attention inadvertently. 

Oh fuck, _those_ dimples.

Alex feels her heart pulse quickens and she quickly looks at Lena.

Which doesn’t honestly make the mess in her head any better.

Oh bloody hell, how she is supposed to eat and talk peacefully when she sees those lips right in front of her, and she sees how happy, and joyful, and…. and warm Maggie is.

"I didn't know you two are so close," she says eventually, pushing her cutlery aside as she is quite sure she won't be able to take another bite. Instead, she takes a gulp of water which is refreshingly cold in her mouth, and which Alex sincerely hopes, will manage to wake her up from the haze she found herself in.

Upon her words, as if on a cue, Maggie and Lena exchange glances and smiles. It is eventually Maggie who breaks the contact and looks at Alex with the sort of kind smile which is usually aimed at strangers. The strange connection managed to disappear. Alex tries to make herself into thinking that it disappeared for the better.

"We got in touch when Lena had some troubles with Lex a few months back. It was my night shift. We spent some time on the phone, sharing the updates on his status, and then, we started to work together on some projects." Maggie shrugs and points her finger at Lena. "This one here is a real logistic genius. She helped me organize the system to detect fingerprints in a spun of what… a few days?"

“Oh, c’mon, it was a week!”

Maggie shakes her head only.

"And how long did it take to do the same as our previous executive? Almost a year?" She grins at Lena and Lena only shakes her head seemingly pleased. Alex looks at them both finding herself at quite the loss of words, as they both seem so acquainted.

She stands up from her chair and smiles politely.

"Please, excuse me for a moment," she says and immediately turns her back on them, going in the direction, where she hopes is the toilet as she starts losing her breath.

Only behind the closed door of a small, pristine-looking restroom, which she has mistaken for a toilet, she allows herself to let the tangle in her chest unravel and once she does that, she cannot stop the shivers which start to take over her whole body.

Alex cannot erase that piercing, awfully familiar sparkle which she has noticed in the eyes of Maggie when she looked at her. She remembers it from the situations about which she is not allowed to think, the situations leading to them both losing rapidly their breath amid their entangled limbs, in their try to bring another as much pleasure as it was possible.

It makes her breath quicken even now.

A sudden, low, and pleasant voice almost causes her heart attack.

“You all right?” 

She didn't notice her until now. She must have been sitting in the armchair which is almost hidden behind the huge plants. The stranger is tall, taller than her, and her messy blond her match her rock outfit.

Alex clenches her fists and takes a step in the direction of the woman. But before she says anything, the other woman sizes her up, starting from her legs, slowly moving her glance up and there’s something in the way in which she looks at her which makes Alex stop.

“You look like you could use some good drink.”

Alex takes just one look in her direction, noticing the tattoos peeking from the tucked sleeves of her shirt, her short nails, and hungry, dark eyes.

“Why not,” she says.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *it includes some dialogues from the tv series which are interwoven into a different narrative.
> 
> Your comments give me life.

The eyes of the other woman are as sharp as a cat’s. They linger on Alex’s body for the longest period of time, making her squirm in her seat not so uncomfortably, before they move to the glass full of whiskey. Alex feels the hotness rising from between her legs to her chest, covering her face in a deep blush. She’s definitely had enough of drinks for today.

She starts to wonder how it would be if she let herself spend the rest of the night with this strangely attractive woman whom she met at the clinic.

“You are not ready for it,” says suddently the woman in this very moment, not even looking at her.

“For what?” Alex jerks her head and snorts, feeling the flash of cold over her body. She feels as if the other woman has just read her thoughts.

Sara bites her lip, twirling the glass between her fingers and she smiles. Her voice is a bit raspy, deep, and soft at the same time when she tilts her head and says:

“You think you lost your chance at happiness.”

Even despite her intoxicated and thus awfully relaxed state, Alex finds herself stiffening suddenly. She is rather painfully aware of where this conversation goes, and she feels trapped.

A different kind of trapped that she felt just moment ago, penned by the bar by this stranger.

She is having drinks with this amazing, smart, beautiful woman and all they seem to be able to talk about is…

“I chose to let her go,” she says through gritted teeth, having no idea when this meeting turned into a conversation about her ex. Even knowing how childish it is, she feels infuriated for it to destroy those past couple of hours when she managed to completely forget about the whole experience at the clinic. Only now, taking another gulp, she realizes that for Sara her initial rambling about babies, lesbian pregnancy and Kara and Lena’s relationship may not have looked as impersonal and detached as Alex hoped it be.

Oh, c’mon, whom is she kidding. She is like a living, breathing example of an open book. She really should not have come here at all and she lost the sense of time somehow, and it’s probably too late already to call Kara and ask her how she…

When she takes the phone out of her jacket, the unopened message from Maggie is the first thing which she sees in the notifications.

It startles her so much that she forgets to even look at what time it is.

“If you are still texting her… then how exactly did you let her go?”

When she looks at Sara she sees only her sarcastic grin followed by the quick movement of her wrist which she makes in order to pour them yet another glass of scotch.

The bitter taste of the alcohol on her tongue makes Sara’s last words stand even more in her mind.

Alex looks at the dirty table in front of her and she doesn’t really see it.

“You know… I really thought I… was moving on, but…” she starts shakily but Sara stops her.

“Shush,” she commands shortly. “We drink this last one, and I’m gonna walk you to the cab, lady. You will know how to reach me when you’re ready” she blinks and empties her glass.

Alex finds herself at the loss of words, and only once they are on the street, standing near the taxi which Alex is supposed to grab, she feels herself saying:

"I'm so sorry."

She doesn't even know what she means exactly. She just keeps looking at Sara, suddenly very embarrassed, blushing even, and hoping that she didn't make a complete fool out of herself.

“Oh, fuck this,” it’s the last thing she hears and suddenly there are soft, warm lips on her lips and a tip of a tongue penetrating her mouth.

It's amazing. And, at the same time, it is also, absolutely wrong.

When they stop, Alex merely shakes her head.

“I think you are right,” she realizes and Sara laughs opening the car’s door for her.

“Damn right I am!”

Alex lies for a long time in bed that night, unable to sleep, listening to the rain drub her windows.

She cannot shake Maggie out of her head.

*

She is woken up by a loud thump and her first instinct is to reach for her drawer where she keeps the gun. Circling her finger on the cold trigger she starts to scour the room with her eyes. But there is no one there in the darkness of her empty apartment.

When she sits on the bed, completely thrown out of her dream and, quite possibly, her last chance to have a normal sleep schedule in the just starting week, she lets out a heavy sight.

She cannot even remember the last night when she slept till the morning. However, if she is awake now, she might as well do something productive, right? She puts the gun back into the drawer and jumps right out of bed into the cold water.

The electric wave of shock washes from her toes to arms and Alex freezes in place.

Water is everywhere where she looks. It seems to cover the entire floor of her apartment, right till the walls of the kitchen, its darkish surface shiny in the bits of the light coming into the apartment through the half covered windows. Alex vaguely thinks that she has a panic attack in her very last try to embrace the situation with logic.

She feels as if every little nerve in her body tensed and she barely can move.

“God,” she whimpers trying to shuffle her feet, but she cannot even move her toes.

Yet again, she is overwhelmed by the feeling of losing control over her body.

The first time they found her in that bloody tank, there were Kara and Maggie on the other side. The tea and uncomplicated, warm hugs. The sharp look of affection in the eyes of her girlfriend when she was taking Alex in her arms and Kara who was just holding her hand and looking at her with tears in her eyes but, somehow surprisingly, letting Maggie take full care of Alex.

The first time was entirely uncomplicated as much as it could be if you have almost drowned in the glass box. It was entirely uncomplicated because, in the water, Alex made peace with the fact that she may die.

Alex didn’t tell that to anyone not because the experience was way too intimate and difficult to put in words but because after she has decided that she no longer wishes to think about it. That simple. It was her way of dealing with things. Not maybe very efficient, but working for her for years.

Back in the box, she was fighting, of course, she was. She couldn't die without a fight. But a small part of her, the one which made the peace with her incoming death, was happy then that she is there alone. That it is her death and not Maggie’s or Kara’s.

The second time was even more difficult to put in words. They didn’t even know that Malverne was out of jail, that he managed to get a bailiff. If they knew, then it wouldn’t probably ever happened. But at that time Alex didn’t even think about that episode, as she called it in her thoughts, anymore. And Alex…well, she really had to blame herself for that because her lifestyle at that time consisted of long working hours and having coffee as a friend. When she woke up in that tank again, that tank out of all the things, she could barely lift her head, paralyzed with shock.

Drifting, that was what she was doing in this glass cubicle, the second time they have found her. During the first time, she was still fighting. With every breath, every resistless, rapid movement of her limbs she was trying to reach the surface and live. But for the second time…?

Nobody really asked her what happened then.

J’onn just wanted to give her some space and Kara also thought that she needs that, because Alex asked her of that several times, and it was eventually enough for her to drop the subject.

Alex has never even discussed it or even said the words aloud. The concept of going to a psychologist seemed like too much of a hassle and with her schedule, she couldn't possibly find one doctor with the option of having some flexibility in planning the appointments. She made the effort to check it. Eventually, she just didn't admit it to anyone because that would be naming the problem. The mere thought of addressing this elephant in the room, which made her squeeze her eyes shut right now and shiver from just a little bit of unexpected water, was unbearable.

It takes her about half an hour till she makes even a step. She supposes so because she counts the seconds in her head. It keeps her more indifferent towards the tears which she can feel already falling down her cheeks. She doesn’t like to cry.

Once she makes that first step, everything falls in place. There’s a damp puddle on the ceiling almost right above her bed. Which explains the thumb, Alex heard earlier.

On the floor, there is also much less water than she has thought originally. The light reflected in the tiles helped to make her more delusional.

She makes herself busy by quickly accessing the possible damages and partially cleaning the floor, and she uses the remaining access of the energy left in her body to call the administration of the building to make an official complaint.

Once she finishes with everything, it already dawns but she barely feels it.

The buzz of her phone meaning that she is being called out to a crime scene sounds like the music to her ears.

*

She takes off her motorcycle helmet, immediatelyencompassed by everything that happens at every crime scene she visits. There are lights wherever she can see, hanging despite the soft light of the waking sun and people are walking between the hastily set up medical tent where is the body of the victim, the ambulance, and two police trucks. For a moment she takes all that she sees in, relieved to be somewhere where she knows exactly what to do and knowing how she is gonna feel about it. She is somewhere where she belongs. At work.

She hasn’t managed to read much about what happened before she came here but she asked Winn to brief her on the way, so she knows most of the facts. She leaves her motorcycle on the free spot close to Amelia’s car. Their D.E.O’s doctor is nowhere in sight but it is not a surprise, she is probably preoccupied behind the white curtains of the tent where Alex goes.

What happened here is nothing new but it is troubling enough to call the attention of their institute. And, this time they attacked the best friend of Flash.

Alex has already spent the past couple of months working on enforcing the system of detection and communication regarding the cases where some organized crime groups started to attack the closest people of superheroes, aiming to destroy the personal lives and identities of the latter. There were many cases with manufactured data; the tabloids with the photos of superheroes and their families taken with hidden cameras were the least of their problems. Kent was accused by the state of tax evasion due to the data fabricated by the criminals and they fought for a very long time to amend it, focusing on the cause which was only averting their eyes from the goal of fighting those criminals.

Kara has not fallen to such an attack regarding her identity or personal life, but she hasn't avoided the attack on her family. They more than suspected that the attack on Alex was not a form of personal revenge of Malverne but rather a planned, intended action which was to hurt Supergirl. What was one more reason for Alex to quickly get over the psychological repercussions of being kindapped and trapped in a water tank.

Just before entering the tent, she examines its surroundings in a scrutinous way, paying the attention to the things which normal police would ignore or think of as irrelevant.

When she almost circled the entire tent, she is quite sure that, this time, it may be a normal crime. But then she notices a little patch of burned grass, the pattern of it quite consistent with a heat vision signature.

"Escaped Kryptionans again," she says through her teeth.

This means that her program doesn't track as well as she thought it does. Which means more working hours and less sleep in the future.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, letting herself for a very short moment to take in the annoyance. After that, she takes a step into the tent.

At the very last moment, right after she enters the tent she sees the sign NCPD science division on the canvas of the tent. It gives her about 0.5 seconds to prepare herself for the sight of detective Maggie Sawyer inside.

“Not enough crime scenes in town, Danvers?” she asks her from her seat next to Cisco Ramon who has one of his legs in the plaster. She looks so good that it is almost hard to breathe in her presence. She doesn’t even have the dark circles under her eyes and considering the job which is almost done here, Alex supposes that Maggie has been here for a good couple of hours already.

"Not enough of the good ones," she says with a shrug and a faint smile. "How are you feeling Cisco?" she asks, taking a few steps closer to the guy who looks exhausted and somehow broken. She adds quite compulsively, taken over by the wave of compassion: "You know the only reason Flash isn't here is that it would give too much satisfaction to those criminals? He is waiting for you at your home."

The guy nods and Alex hopes it is enough, for now, to lift his spirit at least a bit before she proceeds with her investigation. After that, the investigation takes her not as much time as she initially thought. The guy is very cooperative, he has already answered some of the questions she is asking and even if some are surprising to him, he answers them all, collaborating with her in a way Alex wished all people she meets at the crime scenes did.

When she is finished, they decide to send him home. It’s long past the morning then, and to Alex, once she reemerges from the tent, it finally gests that she hasn’t slept very well that night. She is so tired. 

Maggie appears at her shoulder quite suddenly, handing her a cup of a takeout coffee. The detective doesn't even look at her, squinting her eyes in the sharp sunlight to see the horizon. In front of them people finish packing the last of their equipment to the trucks.

“Bad night?”

Alex thinks of Sara’s lips, and then of a cold, paralyzing touch of water on her feet.

“Something like that,” she manages to say eventually.

“I have been there.”

“I doubt it, you are one of the strongest people I know. And that includes, you know, Kara.” It escapes her mouth before she has the chance to stop herself.

Maggie looks at her in surprise.

“What is it all about?”

Alex feels herself blushing in embarrassment and she covers her eyes with a hand.

“Please forget what I’ve just said. It feels like I haven’t slept in a week.”

She hasn’t yet uncovered her eyes, so when she feels the touch of Maggie’s warm fingers moving down her arm in a way which she thinks is supposed to calm her (she wants to laugh hysterically at the very notion of that), she can hide how startled she is.

“It gets better,” says Maggie and, suddenly, Alex is no longer sure about what she is talking about. “You know, the opening up.”

When Alex looks at her she sees that one corner of Maggie's mouth has risen in a half-smile, and there's even a dimple right above it.

“If you feel like you’d ever need to talk… Anyway, you have my number!” she adds, turning on the heel and going towards her car.

She is only three steps away, with her hand on the handle of her Scoda, when Alex finds herself saying:

“I just want to catch them. As fast as I can.”

"So, we want the same thing," she says and, oh it hurts, but it is Maggie right in front of her and there's not a trace of maliciousness in her eyes. "I'll call you once we get another alarm. And Alex… I'm glad I will be working with you again. I missed it."

The car’s door shut behind her and she is gone in a matter of seconds.

Alex feels paralyzed.

But for the first time in ages, she feels it in a good way.


	8. Chapter 8

In the morning, sometime between glancing at the data appearing on the screen of her work computer and sipping the cold tea, Alex prepares a file with adoption papers. It is still early because she is still having some problems with her sleep since the episode with the water in her flat. Thanks to that she has enough time to fill in the questionnaires on a few websites of the places offering adoption in the National City, and before she has a chance to change her mind she sends them all. Right now, the only thing which she has to do is waiting for the agencies and adoption places to consider her applications. She knows that she probably won't change her mind but she also knows that this is the first step in a very long journey, that she will get to know its stages painfully, and that she still has a lot of time to resign in the process if something goes terribly wrong. She knows that waiting for adoption could take years and knows also that the process requires a lot of mental energy, a lot of time, and sacrifices. She can only hope that she is the right person for it – if not, she knows, that the clerks responsible for the process will not admit her candidature.

Some of the things she was asked in those questionnaires made her quiver and she thought that they were the main reason why she was so hesitant of it. All of them asked of her spouse or partner's first name, their occupation, and their general description. It wasn't the worst because Alex was quite prepared to see such options in the application form. The worst was that every time she put "not applicable," she didn't think that it isn't applicable, but she thought: Maggie Sawyer, detective, steady and responsible. On the other hand, all the questions which were _not_ addressed to her potential partner but to her, as a future adoptive mom, felt so easy that it made her catch her breath.

This possibility has been hanging in the air ever since she has received the email from Asahi who at her request sent her all the documentation confirming that there are no genetic contraindications for Alex to become a biological mum along with the list containing all of her options like. Among IVF, IUI, egg freezing, donor sperm, the adoption seemed to speak the most to Alex since she couldn't quite turn off the process of thoughts started when she first read about the possibility of it for a single queer mum.

After seven days from receiving the email, Alex still could only imagine one of these possibilities happening in her life, and having in mind that this idea didn't change since she first thought of having children, she knew she has to make something of it.

She was giddy and restless for days, driving on the ending supplies of energy drinks and coffee but even in those moments when she was completely engulfed in her work, she couldn’t stop thinking about adopting a child.

Right now, looking at the folder lying on her desk and containing all the printed documents necessary to commence the process, she cannot put a name to how she feels. She feels a bit like she felt right before Kara took them on Alex's first flight or like she felt in the moment when she was taking her SATs… or when she was catching herself looking at Maggie right after she has called her out on her sexuality. Emotional, expecting, and unsure.

Finally, after she shuts down her computer and puts it in a case as she needs to drive to the office soon, she takes her phone and opens it right away on the screen with messages. Her fingers tap the number of her doctor as soon as she is out of the door, busing herself with the keys, with the phone already in a space between her arm and a cheek.

“Asahi Kyoko, how can I help you?”

"Hi, it's Alex!" she yelps, not hiding the shock in her voice when her doctor answers on the first call. "I am so happy I managed to get a hold of you, I know that you are extremely busy, and I am really grateful for all your help."

"Alex, of course. How is it going? I see that you had planned hormone therapy this week, but you have canceled. Did something happen?"

She sounds concerned but in a polite, not intrusive way.

"No," Alex shakes her head even though Asahi cannot see her. "I gave it some thought." She takes a deep breath, realizing suddenly that it is going to be the first time she admits to her plan. She has not even informed her mum or Kara about this. Now, it seems weird to tell it first to the stranger. But it also feels wonderfully freeing – she knows Asahi's reaction won't have as much of an effect on her as that of her family, and she knows that Asahi's support will make her braver. "I will be trying for adoption," she confesses trying to tell it in a not-so-serious voice, but the truth takes something out of her, and her voice breaks.

"That's big news! I am so happy that you made the decision, I am sure you have thought of everything and chose the best option for yourself." Her doctor's words are full of support and professional but only after a pause, when Alex hears Asahi take her breath, she knows she is going to hear something sincere. She tenses, waiting for that. "This is a big step. Very valiant, very courageous, and very upright. I try to offer this option to all my patients, and you don't even know how extremely happy it makes me that you feel inclined to it. Whatever happens, you have my full support, Alex. And, if you are ever in need of a cuppa of coffee, feel free to call me.”

Alex bites her lower lip, feeling herself smiling.

“Good to hear that. I will.” She says after all and they exchange their goodbyes.

After all, Alex begins her workday with a somehow lighter heart.

*

She is called in almost as soon as she appears in DEO. As the calls do not happen currently as often as they did because of her promotion, she immediately links the call with the previous case and in no time, she is back on her motorcycle.

Driving, she tries to tell herself that the reason why her heart is pounding so much, why suddenly she feels very reckless and giddy in the best possible way, is not the fact that she is probably going to see Maggie in a moment.

But when she sees her, standing in the middle of the group of DEO’s workers, fighting with them over something, small and fearless and strong, Alex knows that she was lying to herself. That she probably has been lying to herself for a longer period of time than she prefers to admit.

And, it is like a punch. Like it always is, like it was in all those moments when she very hard tried not to acknowledge the truth which was so clear to everyone except for her – like when she was first jealous of Kara once she appeared in their family, like when she couldn't quite embrace her mixed feelings about her dad or like when she started to question her sexuality. It is shameful and unpleasant to recognize that her patterns of thoughts and behavior were not true – that they were covering something much more twisted and deeper than the simple name Alex wanted to put to it.

Looking now at Maggie, she cannot put a single name to everything that she feels, and it is such a sudden revelation, that Alex feels taken off guard even without the other woman taking any action to make her feel that.

She loves her, she realizes suddenly and in this worst possible moment, right when Alex's heart starts pounding so the heart in her chest that she cannot her anything except its pulse ringing in her ears, Maggie catches her glance and she smiles. Alex needs to look in another direction so as not to reveal the deepest blush which creeps on her cheeks then. She counts to ten and then again to five, and only then she can start working with Maggie.

This time, everything is a bit messier than when the friend of Flash was involved. The traces of the unguarded burnings mark this place all over. It’s as if the Kryptonian who did it, wasn't even trying to hide its extraterrestrial form. At that, there's just a glance full of recognition, exchanged between Alex who has to call DEO for the help of technicians, and Maggie who needs to figure out how to carry out the investigation and hide from her colleagues the knowledge that the aliens were involved in it.

It's tiresome and very time-consuming. They investigate all the suspects, watch the recording from CCTV and, with the help of one of the DEO's profilers, try to sketch the portrait of the criminal. But the results of it all are inconclusive. It feels like they are one step closer to disclosing this group, even if every next clue feels only like another riddle.

“There must be a different person standing behind the last episode.”

“Yeah, I agree. They are too different to match but…”

“But, what?”

Maggie worries at her lower lip.

"It seems like a crime group," she says and catches Alex's eyes with a serious look.

“Maybe not as organized as they would like it to be… but you’re right. It is too complex for one individual.”

Maggie looks at her for a long time and it seems as if she wanted to add something but at this very moment, she is called out by one of the members of her team. So, she shrugs and smiles apologetically before leaving, and soon after that Alex is cornered by the technicians from DEO.

During all this time they spend together at the crime scene, watching Maggie move, following her logical deduction of the criminals’ motivations, listening to her voice which is soft and solid at the same time, she cannot keep a voice in her head from saying _I love you, I still love you, I love you so much_.

It is so much that departing to the laboratory feels at the same time as a blessing and a curse.

*

They haven’t yet solved anything, so Alex is quite surprised when Winn knocks on the door of her lab in the late evening.

His one look at the coffee cups piling on Alex’s desk is one indication of him silently judging her workaholic superpowers but he doesn’t say a word about it.

Instead, he leans in the doorframe and waits patiently until Alex is forced to begin the conversation.

“What?” she asks, somehow trying to eliminate the traces of irritation from her voice. She doesn’t feel like she is one step closer to finding the solution for today’s crime but at least her mind stopped singing that it loves Maggie Sawyer. Like an hour ago, but it still counts.

“We are going to a pub together. You know, like in those times when you had blood and not coffee in your veins.”

"Ha-ha," she says, and then sighs. "I cannot… I have to finish this today. If I don't, it will be just another task for tomorrow. And, I would very much like to avoid that."

Winn looks very briefly at the ceiling which doesn’t escape Alex’s attention and then looks back at her tiredly. It seems as if he was holding to the very last left piece of patience.

“Kara told me she will personally fly here from the pub and drag you there if I cannot make you go. She also promised that she will make my life miserable if I don’t bring you with me, so please come? I sort of cannot possibly wait till her girlfriend gives me Luthor’s new product for testing, it will be a big step for me, and…”

"Okay!" cries Alex, lifting her hands in defense. "I will go. It will probably ruin my work, but I will go."

“Alex.” Winn looks at her suddenly very serious. Too serious for it not to be at least laced with bits of amusement. “I can swear that your work won’t suffer on that.”

Alex only shakes her head and smiles involuntarily.

“Maybe it will do me good.” She sighs and puts on her jacket.

She is ready to leave her office in a matter of a few minutes and Winn is so relieved that he doesn't even contain it when they cross these few streets separating them from the local pub where they so like to go with their team. Alex has to take a deep breath before she enters the bar as everything inside her chest clenches a bit at the sight of it as if her insides were drowned in a very hot liquid. She hasn't been in this place since she broke up with Maggie. Over the past months, she used to find some very good excuses every time her sister or Winn or James were going there with their colleagues from works, but it seems like her streak was being ceremoniously ended by her younger, very stubborn sister.

The interior of the pub still looks the same. It's dark, pleasantly murky, and very, very familiar. When Winn goes to the bar to grab them two beers, Alex starts looking for her sister. She hears the laughter of her little sister first before she even sees her.

They are in the back of the pub, the old group interlaced with some new members. Kara's arm is casually wrapped around Lena, the two of them looking even from afar as a united front. James sits in front of them, looking very relaxed and unperturbed, his eyes are pointed in the direction where Winn must be standing at the bar and there's just the right amount of something different in them when she looks at the guy, Alex wonders what else did she missed in her voluntary solitude. A woman is sitting at the corner of the table, right between Lena and James. She looks exactly like every new person brought to this gathering of friends may probably feel at first. She seems shy and a bit confused, everything about her being serious standing so in contrast with the other, relaxed members of the group.

“Hi!” 

"Alex, you came!" exclaims Kara in a happy surprise, as if the plan of dragging Alex out of the office wasn't her idea. "You finished?" she asks, scooting on the bench which she occupies with Lena to take her place.

Alex only sights and shakes her head but then she smiles, trying to turn it into a bright side.

“It wasn’t possible to finish it today, so…”

"I'm happy that you came," says at that Lena, something soft and grateful and a bit apologetic shining in her eyes.

Alex only nods and quickly sits down to hide the thought which probably passed through her face – that Lena probably still feels sorry for that situation at the clinic.

She is quite happy that James decides to turn his attention to her at this moment. There is a curious sort of look in his eyes as if he wondered what she is actually doing here after months of putting their invitations off.

“Alex, do you know Kelly?”

The stranger sitting close to James waves in Alex’s direction and smiles delicately a tight-lip smile.

“My little sister came to the city yesterday aand, there is a chance that she will be working with us for a couple of weeks if she finally says yes to our proposal.”

Alex looks in the direction of Kelly Olsen. Only now does she notice the certain similarity of her stern features to those of James. There is one thing that catches her attention in Olsen's words.

“Our? What is your area of expertise?” she asks her conversationally, her question being followed by Kara’s groan that she didn’t bring them all here to talk about the job. Alex tries not to smile at the irony of that. It is, after all, what they are mostly doing here even if those meetings were supposed to bring their minds off work.

“I’m a psychologist.”

“A-ha.” Something clicks at that in Alex’s mind. “Are you any good profiler?”

Winn comes then with the bottles of beer and a set of boardgames under his arm, quite effectively interrupting their conversation. Alex takes a long gulp of her dark pint, smiling at Kelly’s mouthing _Tell you later_ as the chaos explodes once Winn enters their little scene.

"Not Monopoly, please!" yelps Kara, almost jumping at her seat next to Alex which provokes a burst of deep laughter from Lena.

"Honey, I'm not going to let you ruin yourself…" promises Lena but Kara starts to protest the only lauder and, suddenly, Alex feels quite swept up by the jokingly, relaxed company of her friends, observing with smug on her face how Winn and Kara proceed with their rant over monopoly.

"You know how it always finishes," says Alex finally, when it seems like their argument is going nowhere closer to the end than 10 minutes ago. 

When Kara and Winn raise their voices again, James clears his throat and throws a glance in Alex's direction. Yet again, there's something in his eyes that seems a bit mysterious to Alex but she cannot figure out what is running through Olsen's head. He takes the box containing monopoly out of Winn's hands doing it in an uncharacteristically delicate fashion and says:

“Once, I agree. Let’s play taboo.”

"And, you got me wishing I could drink…" declares at this moment Lena, making everyone laugh.

Oh God, Alex feels so good being able to laugh but when all possible implications of this sentence get to her, it feels a bit like being hit in the stomach with something heavy. She is quite sure that Lena is not pregnant – such news wouldn't be given in this way by this woman if she knew she is. But, the other implications of this sentence like the fact that Lena has probably started IVF or is in the middle of some hormone therapy, and how they make Alex feel (nauseous, lost, angry, in pain) are just proving that she has to start working hard on herself before finally starts feeling okay about this.

It’s good that Winn decides then to split them into two teams – deciding to separate the duo of fiancés which only rightfully ends up in a decision to split James and Winn. The music in the pub is loud, they are all except for Lena on their second or third beer and it’s the time for Kelly who is in Alex and Winn’s team.

“So,” she starts making funny eyes at the words on the card which only she can see. “It’s definitely something not easy to keep, it may lead to some procreational decisions and my ex-girlfriend wasn’t very good at it.”

“Relationship!” exclaims Winn almost spilling his drink from the excitement.

“You sure there was nothing about girlfriend or ex-girlfriends in the list of words we cannot use?” grunts James and Kelly turns the card showing it to him.

“Only about the boyfriends,” she shrugs and James laughs at that loudly.

Alex is only able to look at James during the exchange between the siblings, realizing what all his earlier looks possibly meant. He is trying to set her up with Kelly.

At this very moment, when she is completely lost in her thoughts, she hears Kara's voice, full of surprise and shaky from the alcohol.

"Maggie, what are you…?!" she manages to articulate before Lena can shush her. In the look which the dark-haired woman sends to Alex, there's nothing but an understanding and apology. This obviously would send a wave of guilt over Alex's earlier reaction to her not drinking, if she were not so focused on looking at the woman who turns from one of the billboard tables in the back of the room and starts going in their direction.

“Hi everyone!” she says with a sweet, bright smile, fleeting eyelids masking before Alex if it is real or not. “We are at the back with some pals from work, playing billboard, you wanna join Kara?”

There’s something brisk about her last words, revealing the layer of sarcasm for being called out from her company. She doesn’t even look once at Alex.

Alex catches how Lena quickly puts one hand on Kara’s tight, grasping it slightly before she cast a tentative glance in the direction of Alex. But Kara is too distracted by the touch of her fiancé to realize what is going on, and thankfully to reply.

Unfortunately, Kara is not the only person who after the alcohol loses control over her big mouth.

“So, you’re here with your girlfriend, your friends?”

Alex who at that very moment gulped her beer feels the drink stopping somewhere in her throat, and quite involuntarily, she starts coughing which brings the attention of Maggie.

The dark, soft eyes of the other woman move from Winn just for a split second to Alex which is enough for Alex's heart to tighten in a vicious grip.

"I do not have a girlfriend, Mr. Good Manners," she says tilting her head slightly. Something is going inside of her, her eyes stormy from the emotions swirling in them but in a matter of a few seconds she is already calm. "I'm with friends from work. As I said, you're welcome to if you wanna join, you know where to find us."

“Won’t _you_ join us?" asks Lena, her tone nothing but sweet and demanding. "We're playing taboo and I need _someone_ who will guess my words.”

“Hey,” shouts at that Kara invoking laughter in everyone.

Maggie also laughs and Alex catches herself smiling broadly, admiring how the low light of the pub glimmers in those eyes of Maggie, how it reflects in her long hair falling down the line of her olive neck.

"Not this time. I cannot keep them waiting" she points in the direction of the billboard table far behind them and smiles warmly. "Nice to see you, everyone!"

There’s a moment of silence once she leaves their table, interrupted only by the silent sulking of Kara and heartfelt giggles of Lena who have one of their quiet, personal conversations.

"So, who was that?" asks suddenly Kelly which makes everyone except for Alex shuffle when they are trying to look at everything else but her.

“It was my… fiancé. Ex-fiancé.” She covers her lips in an attempt at a fake cough, feeling like her cheeks and the base of her neck warm enough for the blush to be noticeable.

James is the one who first breaks the ice.

“Shall we move back to the game?”

And so, they do, and they drink a bit more and soon the episode with Maggie is forgotten by everyone except for Alex who cannot quite keep her eyes away from the corner where she from time to time sees the silhouette of the other woman. An hour and a half pass and Lena and Kara start gathering their things to leave.

“Be careful,” whispers Lena in her ear when she kisses her cheek goodbye and when Alex embraces her, she cannot understand how she ever could feel nothing but friendship towards this woman.

Later, leave the Olsen siblings with Winn but Alex stays behind, excusing herself from not going with them by leaving for the toilet. James seems as if he wanted to say something but, in the end, he only wishes her a good night and Alex is left alone.

It takes all the courage she has left in her to come to the billboard table which is still occupied by Maggie and two of her friends, and grab Maggie’s attention when the woman turns to her with surprised eyes.

“Come home with me,” she says or asks, drunk on emotion.

And to her complete surprise, Maggie nods her head.


End file.
